You can always tell when I’m in a funk…The music in the background will always tell you exactly where I’m at.
It’s in the quiet afternoon, when all the drama and insanity that is my life is replaced by sleeping cats, comforting sunbeams, and peaceful consoling moments, that you can hear my inner voice call out in other people’s words set to music. My life is truly at the whim of my emotions sometimes and can be easily transformed into a razor sharp pit of emotional bloodletting by just the right song or phrase.
It’s these days, when depression wins the fight over reason and the gentle lullaby of Mazzy Star or the drumming march of Mumford and Sons can force even the best hidden pain back out into the spotlight, that I find the hardest to overcome as age takes it toll.
This post is not for everyone; although by now I think most people are touched in some way by those who suffers from depression. No, this is for those out there that with ink in their veins; sitting silently or screaming madly at the walls, as you suffer much in the same way I do.
It doesn’t matter the cause or severity, if at some point in your life you’ve felt the bottom drop out, then you have been there. Thinking back on it, when it was at its worst, you know how hard it can be just to sit down in your chair to work at the center of that storm.
That’s where I’m at today.
There are a million reasons and none. All of which means absolutely nothing in the long term because knowing the “why” doesn’t change where you are at. It’s only the scrambling free from the pit that matters when you are looking up at the lip of the hole. Or it used to be…
My depression reminds me of the classic Twilight Zone episode “Five Characters in Search of an Exit“; in which an army office wakes to find himself trapped in a cylinder with a clown, a ballerina, a Highlander, and a hobo. Some have been trapped at the bottom for so long that they cannot get behind the energy and fervent manner in which the “Major” tries desperately to escape their fate.
I’m one of those characters; probably the hobo, and today I feel as if I have been at the bottom of the can for so long, that there doesn’t seem to be a point in trying to escape.
I know this; like everything else, is transitory and hopefully tomorrow a new set of challenges, adventures, and experiences will take hold of me so I can set my sights on the horizon.
But today I’m at the bottom of the can.
So take care of yourselves this Thanksgiving week loyal readers, love one another, and be thankful you still have the energy to try and escape. Go chase your adventures!
Til’ next week!