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I am troubled, readers.

For those that have been reading for awhile, you know that I; just like everyone else, have my doubts and struggles with confidence. Today’s conundrum, is in my opinion the complete opposite; I am not suffering from any lack of confidence in my ability, I am actually worried that my new found streak of confidence is getting in the way of my long term goals.

Back in November; when my Mac died, it put me in a strange position. Right in the middle of my push to try and get anything published anywhere, I was suddenly cut off from the lifeblood of the internet and that instantaneous sense of accomplishment that comes along with E-Submissions.

Yes…I alleviated the creative tension in my life by using my daughters netbook for writing while keeping in contact with the outside world via my mobile phone, but the concept of doing any real 2nd or 3rd draft editing died without my computer and that essentially stopped my outflow of submissions.

I’m a strange creature; having my work environment disturbed really messed with my “mojo”, so I decided then to do my best with what I had. Throwing myself headlong into the idea of this e-published short story book, I temporarily abandoned the idea of publishing each story individually until I could get back to my comfort zone.

Now back at the helm of the S.S. Frankenputer; I am being tempted by the idea of sending out my short stories again.

Contests, publishing in the ‘zines, claiming a spot in an anthology; I know the reality of actually getting your work out there in this capacity. Recognition, awards, cash prizes along with the possibility of being “discovered”; all of these are great things to strive for and are all essential parts of my end goal as a writer.

Unfortunately, right now they are distractions to me.

Nipping, yipping, snapping, slavering, annoying African Hyenas that bray and laugh as they taunt me; circling me, daring me to make a move, to come out and play so they can kill my stories, my belief in them and all the confidence I have built up in this project since I started in November.

Thoughts like; “I could really use that 70 dollars Amazon gift card,” or “Just a single good run in one of the major mags could really open the door for S.P.” (S.P. is my short story book for those just tuning in), nag at my mind. They cause me to question my path and before I know it I am going back to start editing on previous stories when I should be pushing forward with the seven stories I have left to finish the book.

So is it a question of too much or too little confidence?

If I have such confidence than the idea of sending off edited, sharp, fresh stories to publishers is the goal, right? Or…is it sticking with the plan; ignoring the possibility of short term success to stay the course and finish the book?

Or is it just a question of not really recognising a real distraction?

My heart tells me to ignore these distractions…

It reassures me that there will be time when the book is finished to share these stories with the public, but only after they have been beaten, sanded, scrubbed, and shined as a whole work. The plan since November has been to finish it, e-publish it, and then find an artist to convert it into a graphic novel; my heart calls out to my mind, “Stay the course to succeed!”

My wallet; however, screams a completely different tale…

It tells me that I owe money to just about every living human being on the planet, that I haven’t cashed a check in over a year, and my better half; despite being a slave to her job because she love it like Glenn Close loves Michael Douglas in “Fatal Attraction”, struggles every day just to make ends meet. My wallet demands a win folks and I can’t really argue with its logic.

I need a win like Boba Fett when he makes the deal for Han Solo with the Empire (before the Sarlacc Pit of course). I need a win like Tesla needed an investor in Wardenclyffe Tower. I need a win for the family, for my honor, and above all else for myself..

But do I need a win at the expense of all the hard work I have put in this winter?

This conundrum has literally stopped my forward progress but I am resolved to making a choice today.

Should I continue forward and put these distractions in the rear view; faithfully staying on course and following through with the plan, or should I go back to submitting the individual works piece meal hoping for a pay check and a lessening of my burdens of everyday life?

What would you do?