This is my rifle, This is my gun…This is for fighting, This is for fun!!!!
Come on, you can see it! Old R. Lee Ermey grabbing his crotch, marching towards you with that grimace on his face, his stuff firmly ensconced in his elderly grip…
Good, now that I have you in the right mindset, let me introduce myself.
I have gone by many names searching for one that would imbue me with the ability to reach beyond mediocrity and capture lightning in a bottle. From David Gregory to Tybalt001, I have found the only one lingers like the smell from a fast food dumpster is my own, C. David Apgar.
All my life I have dreamt of being a world famous writer, adventuring across the globe, weaving tales that would astound and amaze. Making a mark on my world and leaving behind a legacy for english teachers around the world to ridicule when placed up against the works of the masters. Unfortunately instead I have hidden from reality, shuffling through hundreds of low paying non-responsability based jobs, safe and comfortable in the knowledge that when someone comes up and asks, “What do you do?” I always have an answer.
“I’m a writer, I just haven’t had my break yet…”
Every time I say it bile rises in the back of my throat like late night pizza, and you know why?
Because that is a lie.
Right around the time my daughter was born, I got the break we all dream of and shit it away.
An acquaintance of mine managed to clear a path through the slush piles at TOR Publishing for me back in 2001 and my meager first draft novel landed square on the desk of one of their editors with a thump. Despite the inherent flaws to be found with any first novel, the editor was very supportive; urging me to edit and get back with him in a few months with the next draft. There was real interest in his voice as I talked to him on the phone…all I had to do was follow through.
It never happened.
Not because I wasn’t given the chance but because I didn’t take it. Burned out working on the novel for almost a decade, I put my “Monster in a Box” (Man, I miss you Spaulding Gray) on the back burner, never to be looked at again.
I did manage to self-publish the novel on LULU.com but only out of pure desperation during one of the many times where life left me destitute and I prayed for a writer’s miracle. I got out of it what I put in…With little editing, even fewer sales, and no exposure, “Saul” or “The Blackhorse Project” (as it is now known) has languished in the limbo where terrible novels roast over infinitely heated coals forever. It resides there to this day, the desperate fear of being sucked back into the longest unsuccessful project of my lifetime keeps me from ever considering working with it again.
Now ten years have flittered by. I have one kid in college, another one barely old enough to remember a time when daddy didn’t resemble Homer Simpson and a metric shit ton of ideas that have passed from my mind onto hundreds of spiral notebook and yellow legal pads through all those years, never managing to make it into the hands of someone who could truly judge their worth.
One’s own mortality is driven by time. It shapes all things in the universe, from mountains to our quick existence on this planet and it is in this truth I find my dreams of being artistically creative and successful have become inseparably intertwined with survival. I balance on the edge of extinction or redemption, it all depends which way I fall off the razor.
Having never found success in the normal world working nine to five, I am now face to face with succeeding as a writer with no other avenue of escape. Long term unemployment in my late thirties has made me toxic as an employee, and despite my beloved being very successful in her chosen craft; giving our family at least something to cling to, her patience with my lack of purpose in life is not infinite.
So about a month ago I made up my mind to stop talking and dedicate everything in my life to be becoming a successful writer. Inspired by the greats Harrison, Heinlein and Ellison, bolstered by the creativity of Whedon, Moore, and Ken Levine, and pressured by my need to eat, I feel like Scarlett standing amidst the dust of Tara declaring my determination to never go hungry again!
Since I have an affinity for short stories,that is where I will begin. Earning my stones, I hope to squeeze a living from the pulp like the greats who have come before me.
This blog is to be the hearthstone for my entire endeavor, I will use it to channel creative and nervous energy not spent on my fictional work in a positive manner by recording the steps I will take in my quest for completion. Every rejection letter, every accomplishment, the minuscule fears and enigmatic thoughts that echo along my path of success and failures will be saved here as a signpost for any others who find themselves facing the same struggles.
I will add links to the inspiring while doing my best to record anything I find helpful along the way. If you have insight or find something that would make my journey and those on the same path easier, please make sure to let me know by leaving a message or comment here on the blog or contact me directly at email@example.com.
The title of this blog is a serious declaration as ten thousand dollars is the minimum I could possibly make and still be a productive member of my own family. So that is my goal for this year, anything that comes after that is a blessing and will be treated as such.
So fellow travelers, I say well met. I hope we still know each other in a year and all of our lives are bettered by the quest I am about to undertake.
I have my ticket, are you ready to ride?
C. David Apgar